The Day My Heart Was Lyfted/Craigslist Adventures

*Editors Note: You can click on the pictures to make them larger.

Editor-in-Chief Elizabeth Price went on an interesting ride last weekend….

Ever had something happen that was so insane you had to ask yourself over and over if it was real life?

Last Friday, after a seriously fun night out, I found myself in the backseat of a white van (this is not a rape fantasy) courtesy of Lyft. Now if you haven’t tried Lyft and you live in one of the cities that has it, you’re missing out. It just launched here in Houston and it’s a rad driving service that is way cheaper and less disgusting than a cab. All you have to do is download the app and somebody will be there to pick you up in minutes (advertisement over).

Let me stop here and tell you that I have spent the last few months full of man hate ever since I officially cut of contact with my shitty, crappy, asshole ex after years of time wasting bullshit. (I’m not bitter.) I am finally at the point where the idea of dating a guy actually seems fun. It’s nice to not feel utter repulsion at the site of 50 percent of the population.

I am single and ready to mingle, dammit.

So far I haven’t really had much luck. Nobody ever hits on me except former frat boys and homeless guys outside of the courthouse downtown. At first I was convinced that I was intimidating to them because I am just too awesome; but now I know that it is because I am socially awkward and have trouble forming sentences in the presence of beauty. No amount of awesomeness can make up for my inability to flirt. It is actually pretty pathetic.

cl6

This is not how you flirt...

This is not how you flirt…

Dating straight up sucks. You have to weed out a lot of weirdos before you actually find one that isn’t a complete oaf.

Luckily, bad dates make for good stories, and I am a story teller after all.

So there we are cruisin’ when I notice that my driver is hot. I mean seriously hot. I have always had a thing for bad boys and he had the look down to a tee. Bearded and tatted up and just yummy. I could picture him taking me on a ride to a dive bar on a motorcycle.

So I attacked him with my mouth as soon as he parked his sweet ride.

I woke up the next morning with a fuzzy brain and did the same thing every girl does when she does something really skanky like make out with a perfect stranger who she had paid to give her a ride home. I texted my bff. (Why can’t they make text an official verb in the dictionary already? I hate that stupid red squiggly line! Get it together Mr. Webster!)

Nicole (who is a contributor for this site) is the best out of all my friends at being a functioning adult. She does grown up things like maintaining a savings account and actually washing her face before she goes to bed. While she is super together and what not, her friends know that she is also the worst influence ever; in the history of all time. She is the instigator of some of the greatest shenanigans I have gotten myself into. I have done so many stupid things because she tempted me into what seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, but in actuality probably could have landed me in jail. Seriously, I hopped the fence of the State Capitol building in Austin to take a picture sitting on a statue of a brass horse at four o’clock in the morning. I grabbed a random stranger on Bourbon St. and started kissing him before he even had a chance to look at my face because Nicole told me to do it! He could have a girlfriend and I could have been murdered! (But hey, I live for danger.)

EVIDENCE

EVIDENCE

She challenges me to do these things because I have no shame and am thus an easy executor of her evil plans. (Love you!)

cl12

Okay!

I am a poet.

I am a poet.

I had no idea what-so-ever what a Craigslist Missed Connection was; now I can say that if you’re ever bored and have AN ENTIRE AFTERNOON to kill, they are pretty entertaining. I decided to go for it, thinking that at the very least I could write about it.(That’s one of my favorite things about this site; I get to do stupid things and say it’s all research.)

Every time I think about talking to someone on craigslist I think about someone trying to sell me their grandmother’s ashes or using my skin as a mask. As expected, I got some pretty weird messages.

Only fat people ignore creepers. It's science.

Only fat people ignore creepers. It’s science.

And this guy, just looking for love.

cl8

Then it happened. Perhaps the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened in my life.

karl1stresponse

Oh. My. God.

I immediately started hyperventilating. This doesn’t happen in real life. Lisa (Be Less Ugly contributor) mentioned to me that he might be an imposer. I am so gullible I hadn’t even thought about that.

My thumbs go a little cray when I am excited.

My thumbs go a little cray when I am excited.

cl3
That's okay. We can have grammar class.

That’s okay. We can have grammar class.

So there you have it. My boldness paid off and I have a date with my Lyft driver (who doubles as an IT guy) tomorrow night!

-Elizabeth Price

*Some details have been changed to protect the careless (me).

*We do not advise using Craigslist for dating purposes..

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