Fat: A Journey In Learning To Love Yourself

Our individual perception of our bodies are a deeply personal thing, as well as dealing with things like weight gain and aging. Loving your body can be an intense emotional task and every woman has their own struggle. Here, a brave anonymous contributor shares hers.

Fat.

I look back upon my high school self and all I can do is shake my head wistfully. Back then, I thought I was actually fat. I was curvier than all of my friends, for sure. But, I wasn’t actually “fat.” Now I am actually fat. And I wish I could go back in time and shake my younger self.

But more to the point- I wish I could totally change society. It’s a terrible culture that we live in if a teenage girl with an average and normal body thinks that she looks fat. If she developed her curvaceous body so quickly that she didn’t know what to do with it, and so the only thing she did was to shamefully wear ill-fitting bras and oversized clothing. It’s a shame that I didn’t feel like anyone in my life related to what I was going through. It’s a shame that I thought being a size “L” was fat.

It’s a shame that when my thinner friends talked about wanting to lose weight, I privately thought to myself, “what do you know? You’re thinner than I am. You can go shopping wherever you want. You can wear whatever you want.” I still struggle with thinking this way today and I don’t like it.

Everyone has their own struggles.

It’s a shame that we all have these struggles to be or look different than we really are.

It’s a shame that today I still hate my body. That it’s been roughly 15 years or so since I went through puberty and developed all my womanly parts, and I still hate my body. I still feel uncomfortable in it, but only around other people. I’m afraid that people are looking at me, judging me, deeming me “unattractive.” Which is crazy, but this is what society does to me. Society makes me feel like I am unworthy of love or attraction simply because I am not thin. Society makes me second guess myself.

I feel like there are two sides of me: a side that doesn’t care what others think of me, and a side that does. I know I have a great personality, and I know people like me – but I am ashamed of my body. I can’t believe that anyone can find me attractive. I can’t look at pictures of myself currently without hating the way that I look, even though I look so happy in the pictures. I am happy in the moment, but not so afterwards.

It’s a battle I feel I’m constantly losing.

It’s a battle I feel society is constantly losing. For every step we take forward, we take another two backwards. It’s not like I want to be this fat forever – I don’t. I want to be healthy. I want to climb stairs without losing my breath. I want to be strong and fast and awesome. I just want to also love myself during the process, which is the hardest thing that I can do. To accept that it will be a long process and it will be a long journey, and that’s okay.

-Anonymous